A Little Longer

benchCame home at around 4:30 pm last Thursday and I need to leave by 5:00 pm to meet up some friends. I only have 30mins in between. I wanted to take a nap since my body is really begging me for some rest. But my heart was anxious and heavy and that day it is screaming. Wanting to have that quiet moment where I can hear my Father’s voice.

As soon as I got home, I dropped my bag, hugged my two cats for comfort and asked Him the question “For how long God?. I’ve done everything that I can and it feels like I’ve exhausted all my resources. There is nothing more that I can do and I know that you are doing something in my heart and I know that I told You once that I am willing to undergo this process because I never want to go back to my old life. But Father I am tired and I am losing hope. Would you please let me know for how long should wait? For how long should I endure? All those promises that you had spoken to me seems to be different from where I am now? All I need is one breakthrough. One word from you and you can change my circumstance and I don’t know else do I need to do.”

I was sobbing while saying these things and I waited for Him to speak . After several minutes of waiting and hearing nothing, I glanced to my phone to checked the time. My FB was open and I noticed this song that was posted by Doug Addison. I’ve seen this song several times before but didn’t really pay any attention to it. But at that moment, something inside of me is urging me to listen to this song. So I opened it while I try to composed myself and prepare to leave.

Then the spontaneous part came where the lyrics goes like this.

Then I hear You say:
“You don’t have to do a thing. Simply be with ME and let those things go. They can wait another minute. Wait this moment is too sweet. Please stay here with ME and love on Me a little longer. ‘Cause I’m in love with you”.

I was totally wrecked that all I was able to say is “Father I can wait for how long as You want it to be.” After all who I am to say no to the one who had saved me and loved me since the beginning of time.

On Friendship

Friendship doesn’t always come easily. Sometimes, it’s hard fought and sacrificial. 
The deepest relationships in our lives take effort and sacrifice. It also takes patience and humility to get close enough to another person – long enough to get to know them and work at understanding and loving them better.

One Day

“One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else–closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel–one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them–even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering–the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.”

Though here is a word of warning–you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

Lang Leav

The Runaway Dinosaur

For my mom and my sister. Hoping that one day i’ll be able to read this bedtime story to my kids. It will be a great honor and privilege if I will be given a chance to be a mom someday.

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There was a little dinosaur called a myosaur who lived with his mother.One day, he told his mother, “I wish I was special like the other dinosaurs.”

“If I were a T-rex, I could chomp with my ferocious teeth.”

“But if you were a T-rex,” said his mother, “how would you hug me with your tiny little arms?”

“I wish I were an Apatosaurus,” said the little dinosaur, “so with my long neck, I could see high above the treetops.”

“But if you were an Apatosaurus,” said his mother, “how would you hear me in the treetops when I told you ‘I love you’?”

“What makes you so special, little myosaur,” said his mother, “isn’t your ferocious teeth, or long neck, or pointy beak.”

“What makes you special is out of all of the different dinosaurs in the big wide world, you have the mother who is just right for you. And who will always — “

A Mother’s Day Message

download (1)One of the usual conversation we had before goes like this:

Me: “Mom, do you think that someday I’ll be able to do the things that I dreamed of?”

Mom: “Of course, you are really good. Whatever it is that you set your heart into, know that you will achieve it and you’ll be able to do it.”

Fast forward to now and we are both standing at the airport. We had a different conversation this time and it’s either you or Dad who will try to ask this question:

Mom/Dad: “When will you be home?”

Me: “Soon.”

Every time it will be the same scene and the same question and every time I will give the same answer. Sometimes you don’t want to ask that question because we both know that we don’t have a clear answer as how soon that “soon” will be.  Then you try compose yourself and to be strong as you give me your blessing and bid me goodbye. Part of you knows that to let me go will never stop your heart from bleeding and because you love me so much that you will rather endure it than ask  me to stay and stop me from reaching for my dreams.

It also breaks my heart  to know that we’ll be apart but I need to fly away and find my way as I do things that He has called me to do.  Mom, you need to understand that it was  your love that taught me to dream and gave me wings to fly. Who am I right now or where am I right now was because of you.

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These past few months, your health is currently failing you. But despite of that, you still think about me and wonder if I’m alright. I’ll tell you one thing Mom. You remember that thing about God’s love that I always talked about? His love that is immeasurable, magnificent and at the same time glorious? I’m at the center of it. His love is protecting/shielding me from everything and it’s the most amazing thing. So don’t worry because I’m completely fine and I’ll be fine regardless of the situation I might have in the future.

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I promise that one day I will come back. And on that day, I’ll probably be a mom and will have kids of my own and as I wait for that day, I pray that I’ll have your strength and your grace to teach my future kids to love and dream big as you had taught me.

I love you and Happy Mother’s Day.

 

Psalm 91

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
    he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
    and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
    He will shelter you with his wings.
    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies in the day.
Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
Though a thousand fall at your side,
    though ten thousand are dying around you,
    these evils will not touch you.
Just open your eyes,
    and see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge,
    if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
    no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
    to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
    I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
    I will be with them in trouble.
    I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
    and give them my salvation.”

An Easter Sunday Reflection

Today is one of those times when the restlessness weighs my soul and loneliness dampens my spirit as I hear the news. But today is also Easter Sunday, a day when we remember a new covenant was fulfilled because of His sacrifice. A new covenant of love that picks up the pieces of a heart that was broken too many times. A new covenant that gives hope as I bear the cup that was allotted to me.

May this new covenant remind me of His grace and my glorious realities, to be grateful of the Love that satisfies the deepest longing of my soul.

It’s Easter today and as the day ends, I know that my life is still beautiful because even as my weakness fails me, the cast of characters come and go, someone stayed and He promised that He will never leave nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Lord Of My Life

Thou who art the innermost Spirit of my being,
art thou pleased, Lord of my Life?
For I give to thee my cup filled with all
the pain and delight that the crushed
grapes of my heart had surrendered,
I wove with rhythm of colors and song cover for thy bed,
And with the molten gold of my desires
I fashioned playthings for thy passing hours.
I know not why thou chosest me for thy partner,
Lord of my life.

Didst thou store my days and nights,
my deeds and dreams for the alchemy of thy art,
and string in the chain of thy music my songs of autumn and spring,
and gather the flowers from my mature moments for thy crown?

I see thine eyes gazing at the dark of my heart,
Lord of my life,
I wonder if my failure and wrongs are forgiven.
For many were my days without service
and nights of forgetfulness; futile were the flowers
that faded in the shade not offered to thee.

Often the tied strings of my lute slackened
at the strains of thy tunes.
And often at the ruin of wasted hours
my desolate evenings were filled with tears.

But have my days come to their end at last,
Lord of my life, while my arms round thee
grow limp, my kisses losing their truth?
Then break up the meeting of this languid day!
Renew the old in me in fresh forms of delight;
and let the wedding come once again in
a new ceremony of life.

– Rabindranath Tagore

On Light, Darkness and Everything in Between

_MG_8170-EditI spent the last week of February in a city called Kolkata. A city that is more known as the sewerage of India. A city of slums and ruins.

I came with a selfish intention of finding myself, in a hope to hear Him more clearly as I try again and again to find the answer to all the questions that I had in my heart. Doubts keeps on lingering and that feeling of unworthiness that creeps on because I feel that I have nothing to offer and looking back I was not a friend that was worth keeping after all. Just like this picture that has nothing on it but a mess and as you look straight on it, you’ll see what seems to be the end of it – a pitch black of nothingness.

As I feel that inside my soul, a part of my heart is humming a different song. A quiet whispers that marvels and in awe over the testimonies of the abandoned boys, as they sung a song about the love of God in different language, as they try to look at you with admiration, as they giggle whenever you show them their photos and as we prayed for them individually and see their future carved out at the palm of His hands. At those defining moments I  somehow feel what heaven looks like and I know at that point that I’m certain that it is something I wouldn’t trade for anything else.

Now that I’m back to Dubai and I try to remember what really happened during that one week mission trip, what I can say is that, yes it was not a place that offers any beauty in it but if you just try to look beyond it, look past the garbage and all that stuff that we in this world define as worthless, you’ll see something that you will only recognize when you try to see it through His eyes.

Just like this picture, you will see a light that is trying to pierce the darkness around it. Like Moses who intently look at the burning bush and as he looks at it, his life changed forever. Perhaps I need to look or focus on that light intently like Moses did because I think that through that light I can come as I am (with all the mess, pain and disappointment) and still find love and acceptance.

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Lord, may my heart beat as Yours that I may love the people that you have put in my life in the way You had loved me. Let me see them as You saw them in the Garden of Gethsemane – when You decided that it was worth it. Father, I may live my life humbly according  to Your will. May the things of the past be just a memory without the pain and the heaviness brought forth by regrets.

Love Changes Everything

Love, love changes everything
Your love has rescued me
Now I am Yours

You took hold of my life
All of my love is Yours

Forevermore – Jesus Culture with Martin Smith

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May your love covers me.
May your heartbeat be the beat of my heart.
I will give you all the love and adoration
because you are all that I want.